Russ And Stuff

Let's Try Something Different

2010-10-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

Blogger has been good to me for many years. It's an amazing outlet and a great place to share your thoughts. That being said, I've used it for so long, the joy of updating has provided diminishing returns over the years.

So I'm going to try something else for a while. I created a site on Tumblr called Invocable Objects. It's a lot like this blog, but with more assorted content, including featured photos, short fiction, etc. I'm experimenting with it, and I'd really like it if you'd check it out.

I don't expect to abandon this blog completely. Especially for personal posts. But for now, I'm going to try something new. Thank you all for reading!

2010-10-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

“What’s On Your Mind?” How to Contribute Thoughts That Last

I have always been told that the most intelligent people were the ones who listened intently and spoke little. And when those people did speak, they would say reasonable, well thought out things that contributed something of value to the conversation. I always wanted to be like that. To wait, analyze and contribute.

When the Internet was a younger place, it was an escape from ordinary life. You lived, spoke, and existed in a system of anonymity. That meant you could say whatever you wanted without the risk of your real-life self getting tied to your online persona. I joined countless forums and contributed to hundreds of discussions about things I would likely never discuss with my friends in the real world. It was like therapy. I could tell that invisible subset of people I was having a bad day, and they would either make fun of me until I snapped out of it, or offer encouragement until I felt better. But it never really mattered if I complained too much or said something stupid. Those people weren’t going to see me the next day and wonder why I was such an emo kid. And even if they did, they wouldn’t know it was me sulking around in their forums.

And then social networking came along.

In came One Identity to Rule Them All. Or as Facebook’s company motto goes, “To make the world more open and connected.” Facebook wasn’t the first to try and do this, of course, but it is the only successful company to do so. First, you would join because your friends badgered you to do so. Then you’d invite more people so you could share pictures and events with them. And finally, the inevitable would happen. The site would go mainstream, and your parents, family and third cousins twice removed would join and add you as a friend.

You are no longer anonymous. Your name and photo are plastered on a page for all to see. Ignoring peoples’ requests and hoping no one will be the wiser is a pipe dream of technology’s past. Instead, your interconnected presence means your online actions have real-world consequences. You will see those unlucky people the next day and they will feel snubbed. A world that began with anonymity and exclusivity has become just another extension of reality.

So why do we bother staying in the same social scene as our mothers? We would never do it in real life. Why are things different online?

Because we like being heard.

Just like the person who never stops talking at the dinner table, or the one who raises their voice over everyone else when they think of a clever idea, we send out our thoughts because we know someone will have to listen. Our ideas no longer have to be groundbreaking, important or useful to anyone. As long as someone is on our friends list, our random ramblings will cross his or her eyes at one point or another. Potentially, they could reach as many as 500 million people. And we don’t even have to shout.

Not that this is a bad thing. Having someone listen to you makes you feel good. And we can opt out of the system if we choose, but what’s the point? Removing yourself from a vast social system is a louder statement than staying inside it. There’s a party going on without you, and everyone will wonder why you’re not there.

The only problem is that we don’t realize how loud we’re getting. Most of the time, we’re not visiting Facebook to see what someone else is doing. We’re seeing who commented on our stuff – Who out there is caring about what I’m doing right now? It’s an instant, free booster shot to our ego; or a gut-kick of disappointment when no one comments on our carefully picked batch of photos. When it gets too loud, you can’t process what anyone else is saying. It all becomes one big cloud of meaningless jargon.

All that being said, the wise people I mentioned earlier still exist in the online world. They’re the ones who aren’t speaking just to be heard. They wait, listen and contribute to the never-ending conversation. Most likely, they’ve never left a comment that just said, “LOL!” You can pick them out of the thickening crowd, and hear what they have to say.

And so we’re left with a contradiction. Your online presence will affect you offline. But the online world is so noisy, it’s easy to go unnoticed. A recent study shows that for the most part, few people really care that much about what you’re saying. I guess the point is, if you want to get noticed in both worlds, contribute something that has meaning, and it will raise your value universally. If you’re just adding to the noise to be heard… you should probably go home and rethink your life.

Too Long, Died Reading Version: 1.) Your online world affects your real world. 2.)The Internet is noisy, and simply being louder doesn’t help anything.

Point: Play nice. Be paranoid. Stop talking. (Get off my lawn).

Hypocrisy: If I want people to read this, I have to post it on Facebook. And I will continue to tweet useless thoughts. Because I like when people think I’m funny or clever.

On Growing Up

2010-08-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been told that people change when they get older. They grow up, get jobs, meet their spouses, get married, move off and have babies. Late night video game sessions and midnight trips to Waffle House slowly dwindle out of their lives until they become fantasies instead of nightly realities. Their priorities change, and they don’t relate to their friends the same way they used to.

I’ve been on the lookout for those traits in other people since I started college. I would see if my older peers were developing “the bug,” and more often than not, I couldn’t tell much of a difference. It made me feel like the whole thing was made up – a myth to make older people feel like they had finally become “grown up.”

As I quickly made my own transition into the “grown up” world, however, I started to realize that all those things are true (and more). It wasn’t a conscious change – not for me anyway. But over time, I realized that it wasn’t just the amount of time I spent with my girlfriend (and later, fiancée) that made my interactions with friends feel different, it was a total shift in my mindset. All of a sudden, I didn’t have time to stay out late anymore because I had to go to work the next morning. I couldn’t see every movie or go on every trip because I had obligations to my studies, my work, or my future spouse (or I was just plain broke). And I didn’t understand the fuss about the latest drama, because I knew it would fizzle out in a couple of weeks. I did not completely abandon these things, but they became less of an issue for me, because I was trying to build something of permanence.

One of the most difficult changes in this process was the transition from waiting for my future to appear to actively making it happen. Being unclear about my direction in life was quickly becoming an unsustainable situation. Suddenly, decisions couldn’t wait until I had a crystal clear idea of what their results would be – they just had to be made. And for better or worse, they shaped what lied ahead. Just like that, I had become what I considered grown up.

It didn’t come with an overriding sense of superiority like I feared it would. I already envy the free time and open possibilities that my friends in college have, and wonder if I used those same resources prudently enough. I don’t feel like I’m necessarily doing things the “right way.” I’m just on the path God wants me to take, and I’m feeling my way through the dark like everyone else. I didn’t get a magic hat that let me make wise, well thought out decisions 100% of the time, as much as I wanted one. I still screw up, but I try to do so less often, because it matters to more than just me now.

And the funny thing is, these seem like such perfectly obvious things that would happen during the transition from youth to adulthood. Sure, you know you’re taking a leap when you get a job or get engaged. And there were other significant events along the way. But there’s no road sign for a changing mindset.

Pomp & Circumstance

2010-06-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

After approximately 1.5 trillion years, I am finally finished with College. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure how it happened. Unlike the vast populace at Ole Miss, I did not party and drink my way through. Unlike the clubs and tribes at Mississippi College, I did not plead or social-status my way through. I just made it. I think there was hard work. I think there were late nights. I think there was a pretty girl who gave me a soft kiss and shoved me all the way through that last, hellish year. But I still don’t know how I made it. Because throughout my entire academic career, I’ve never done anything like this.

The only graduation I have ever been in was in Kindergarten. My pint-sized friends and I stood puzzled in our golden robes as camera flashes put spots in our eyes. Our memories? A Leprechaun trapped in a box [which turned out to be another box of delicious Lucky Charms on a string], dreaded naptimes and really nice ladies that told us to put our crayons back where they belonged when we were through. We were proud standing up there that day. But when they handed us our diplomas, we weren’t entirely sure what we had accomplished. We were, however, fully aware of how proud our parents looked.

This time, I imagine I will stand on a brightly lit stage fully aware of what I have accomplished. I will know that somehow, that little slip of paper represents five years of education. But just like in Kindergarten, I won’t entirely know what that means. My parents will smile and look prouder than I've ever seen them, but will only have a vague idea of the effort I put in to get there. After all the personal traumas, defeats, joys and triumphs I have experienced throughout college, I’m not entirely sure anyone will ever know but myself. If you’ve been there, you know what I mean. You remember the limits you overcame, and the long nights that seemed to never end. The dreaded final exams that stretched your mind until play-dough looked like a more solid substance. Your friendships came and went; broke and fixed; learned or lingered. Love most likely did the same. It was the second longest transitional period in your entire life. You did it with help, but only you know how much.

But in the end, I’m not sure that letting others know is that important. Unless I write my memoirs, most of what happened will be forgotten. I will place significance where there originally was none, and small things that changed my life will be left unstated and unremembered. The fact of the matter is, not even I will truly know what I have accomplished. What matters is what has changed in me. How I have overcome is secondary to how I can overcome. That’s one lesson I learned in college. I have a feeling it will be one of the hardest to remember.

On The Adventure Of Dino And Color-Shifting

2010-06-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

Back in the fifth grade, I wrote my first story. It was about a friendly dinosaur named Dino that travelled around the world making friends with other dinosaurs. I decided to make it an expository tale about the way people (or great-big lizards) interacted with each other. Our teacher even provided the class with a blank hardbound book so we could illustrate our stories. I went at it with all the finesse my untrained 11-year-old hand could offer. Dino, a reasonable facsimile of a T-Rex, met many other reasonable facsimiles of dinosaur-like-people along his journeys, and went from red to blue to green from page to page. I can’t remember if that was a plot element, or if a sudden disinterest in dulled down crayons spurred my decision. Maybe a little bit of both. In the end, he had done a lot of cool stuff and seen a lot of neat things, but he wasn’t much different than he was when he started. I finished the book, but felt like I should have kept going, and wasn’t sure why.

At any rate, I liked what I had made, but even in a world of lunchroom drama and playground fantasies, I realized that my story could have been a lot better. My oversized coke-bottle glasses didn’t blind me from knowing that I still had room to grow (even if they did make me hide my school yearbooks). Since writing that story, I’ve done a lot of growing. I’ve written short stories that could fill those hardbound pages with words instead of doodles, and essays that are so literary, even I shouldn’t be able to understand them, but after I’ve printed out the pages, I still look back and think I could have gone farther. And by knowing that, I push harder every time. Every now and then, it shows.

I’m about to graduate from college now, and still don’t know what Dino should have learned all those years ago. Maybe his color-shifting meant he changed himself to fit in with the new people he met. The white background could have been symbolic of the fact that people are the only thing colorful in a white-washed world, or that there is potential in all things. Or maybe lazy story telling leads to plot holes and confused readers. Whatever the case, my first story still leaves me wondering. And to me, that’s the best thing that can happen when you’ve finished turning the pages.

Apartment Hunting

2010-06-02T16:06:00.001-05:00

I never had fun looking at apartments with my parents as a child. They dragged me around what must have been dozens of “compact community homes,” each promising to offer a “quality living experience.” Whatever that means. And they always put macadamia nut cookies out on the office desks that looked freshly baked but tasted like New York back alley cardboard. Nasty stuff, that.

Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to dealing with the sales staff of the many apartment complexes Carolita and I have looked at over the weekend. Some of them are gorgeous – luxury pools, overhead garages, designer exteriors, while others look like they have been freshly transplanted from the orc ravaged slums of Middle Earth, which is not nearly as interesting as it sounds.

Not to mention the fees. As if paying a quarter or more of your monthly earnings wasn’t enough, most apartment complexes require a “one time fee” between two to four hundred dollars. Sure, I knew this going in, but when you start to account for all the other things you have to save for before getting married, those fees really do bite at your psyche in a not-so-nice way.

That said, I’m just as eager to complete the process and be with my wife in our very first home. Comforts and indulgences are perks of a hard worked life, for sure, so I don’t expect those. All we need is a roof over our heads and a (preferably) working air-conditioner to get us started – the rest are simply bonus points.

[Still, they could work on their cookie baking skills.]

Top Five Reasons I Hate Lists

2010-06-02T16:04:00.001-05:00

5. They Always Assume Their Opinions Are Authoritative.

4. They Take Advanced Reasoning and Condense It Down To One Poorly Thought Out Sentence.

3. They Often Begin Each Sentence With The Same Word.

2. They Promise To Fix Your Problems With Easy Steps.

1. They Suck.

[See what I did there?]

[Also, I really want to make lists for my blog. I am such a (fun loving!) hypocrite.]

Around My World In 60 Seconds

2010-05-09T01:38:00.005-05:00

I should probably be in bed, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to update my blog now that I have a little free time. Plus, I saw that they have new templates! It only took, what, four years? But hey, I am thankful. Honest.

My time as a college student is nearly up. I have completed all but one of my courses - a two week course on Arthurian literature and film. Problem one? It is taught by a professor with the toughest reputation in the department. Problem two? I know nothing of Arthurian literature. Problem three? He is an Oxford alumni. Commence gulpage.

Carolita graduated today. I was so proud I could hardly sit straight (which we all know is an indication of proudness-level). She deserved that degree more than anyone else on stage. Maybe that's bias, but after seeing all she went through this semester to earn it, it's hard to say. Also, she looked gorgeous. And that my friends, is not up for debate.

She moved back home today as well. It's very difficult to have someone who has been integral to your physical and emotional well-being for the past year to leave for four months. Especially when you are engaged to, and head over heels for, that someone. But knowing that I have a lifelong partner at the end of that long stretch of time makes me all the more eager to get through it with finesse and come out a better man because of it.

Even still, I miss her a lot. You might hear me say that a few more times this summer. I hope you don't mind.

So long for now.

Engaged and :D

2010-03-11T00:22:00.000-06:00

Being engaged...

Wait, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I'm getting married!
You know that soul-mate people always talk about? The one you think is fiction and can't possibly exist in the real world? Well, I found mine. And she is amazing. Carolita Yoder, soon to be Carolita Heritage.

The way it's happening is so interesting to me. When I get a chance, I'd love to sit down and analyze the whole process. It's so different from the vague, misty ideas I had of engagement, of finding the one. We always seem to avoid thinking about one of the main things that make engagement, and later marriage, possible: the work you have to put into the relationship to get there.

It's so easy to think of your future spouse as a mysterious stranger. It's what I always did when I was single. I saw myself in the distant future asking some silhouette of a person I didn't know to marry me. Every one of those hazy day dreams was like that. I didn't see the person who would become my friend first, then my girlfriend, then my love. I didn't see the highs and the lows, the effort and the compassion, the sacrifice and the peaceful, powerful joy. I didn't see them because I didn't know what they looked like. I didn't know they existed.

I'm glad I couldn't see that far ahead. It's like finding out what your Christmas present is before you open it. Sure you're glad to have it, but you would have been more excited if you had no idea what you were getting. And thank God that we have no idea what we really want, what we really need, until He gives it to us.

But we can ask. And He can give us hints to lead us in the right direction. Because He's a cool Dad like that. He's giving me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, and telling me I have to be just as good a gift in return. I can't wait to be her husband. I can't wait for her to be my wife.

Chronos

2009-11-19T00:29:00.004-06:00

I wake and see that dreadful wall:

The spinners wait to see inside

A helpless, little shell of all

The evidentiary lies.

They spin and watch as it befalls

And terror hits my waking eyes.

A dreadful web, a mile tall

Envelops me before I rise.

It ticks and tocks and rattles on

Prattles, ‘til itself it chimes.

Vain but selfless monitor

Imaginary Watch of Time.

Cloud Nine

2009-11-08T22:33:00.000-06:00

It's hard to have a care in the world when you're two thousand feet above it. I left the ground for the first time in my life this weekend, and I'm not sure I've come back down since.

Patrick took us up in a Cessna 172 on a beautiful Saturday morning. I've never been more thrilled about a clear, sunny day. I watched as he ran through the pre-flight checklist, treating the craft like his own private vessel, making sure everything was running up to par. When we got the okay, Greg and I hopped in and prepared to be heralded through the air by our oldest friend. As usual, I got shotgun.

It had always seemed strange to be the son of a Senior Master Sergeant in the Air-Force and never to have flown. The sky felt like a realm I should be familiar with. As we accelerated on the runway, I knew I was about to experience something that would enable me to relate to my father's world in a way I'd never been able to before.

Ascension is a beautiful thing. To be lifted up by an engine and a wing is a sensation all living beings should experience. The rapid shift in perspective is something I hadn't expected--the world is a toy-set when you're in the sky. It's almost hard to take seriously. All our overpriced convertibles, luxury houses, and designer mansions look like little more than pieces on a game board.

You appreciate good weather more when you're flying through it. I could see things that would take me an hour to get to on the ground. My house, my old school, and Jackson were all suddenly in the same place. It didn't feel frightening. It felt like peace. The sky was the home I didn't know I had.

The saying "time flies" took on new meaning when we discovered our hour was almost up. I felt like we'd barely gotten in the air before it was time to go back down again. As we touched down, I looked over at my friend and shook my head. He'd always dreamed of being a pilot, and here he was sharing the fruits of that dream with his friends. I took off my headset and let a silent cheer run through my head. Now I understood.

A Spam-Box Haiku

2009-10-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

YOU LIVE UPPER NOW
Seventy percent off drugs
fried it in butter

Veni Vidi Vici

2009-10-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

I am sitting on the couch at Cups with my girlfriend. She's attempting to study something about how babies get born, and I am emulating the act of being a child by lazying about and being generally unproductive.

As an act of penance, I am writing a blog post.

["i love him very much." - carolita]

See? She's not really studying either.

For a coffee shop, Cups doesn't smell very much like coffee. There aren't even any of the familiar sounds -- blending ice, loud patrons, screaming babies. I feel like we're contributing to the place. Two college students studying [or pretending to study] while lounging on a beaten up old couch adds just the right touch. Our feet are propped up on the table, for crying out loud.

It's always a strange experience trying to write when you know other people are watching. It's like performance art, in a way. What if I trip and drop the knives I'm juggling?

[Wait, we heard a baby]

[There it goes]

[Are you riveted yet? This is good stuff.]

[Out of context statement of the day: "You're so sweet, I just want to eat you up like a little candy thing. But I can't. So I just bite you instead."]

When I'm bored, or when I don't know what to say, I click through random links I've bookmarked over the years. This time it was Latin Phrases. What I've learned:

Corpus Christi means "The Body of Christ"
Carpe Diem not only means seize the day, but can also be interpreted as "Enjoy the day, pluck it when it is ripe."

All that being said, I hope you've had a very ripe day today. Don't forget to wear your prune shirts in this frosty weather.

Post partum, in camera, mea culpa.
Vivat Regina.

Ten Years Later

2009-08-05T03:15:00.000-05:00

I turn 23 this month. It's a pretty unremarkable age when you think about it. I'm still a few years away from being a quarter of a century old, and thirty is still [thankfully] somewhere far over the horizon. For me, the main reason this year will be worth celebrating is because it's my anniversary.

Ten years ago I sat on the sterile white paper stretched out over the pediatrician's uncomfortable examination table. I had been having trouble breathing in class, and was missing school more and more often. I'd had asthma all my life, and even though I hadn't struggled with it in a while, I figured this was just another flare-up that would be treated and dealt with before the month was out. It was a week before my birthday, and I was far more concerned about getting what I had asked for that year than I was about a little shortness of breath. The pediatrician performed the checkup. Everything was progressing normally until we got to the breathing test. I'd done it a thousand times: breathe deep, hold, breathe out. Repeat, repeat.

Repeat. Repeat.

Repeat. Repeat.

A murmur, he said. Thirteen years of breathing tests, chest x-rays, physicals, hospital visits had come up with nothing. A little bit of extra attention, of looking for more than what was already known, and a pediatrician and a stethoscope find what the specialists couldn't. He said it might be nothing, that a lot of people had murmurs and didn't need any treatment. Most of the time they only needed to take a few pills to keep things under control. At any rate, I needed to see a specialist soon. He'd set me up to see them tomorrow.

An ultrasound. An EKG. A chest X-Ray. Within the hour, they knew they were going to have to operate. The surgery was scheduled for August 23rd. Four days to prepare for the moment that would change the rest of my life. I wish I could remember exactly what those transitional days were like. I know I was very thoughtful, but I don't remember worrying too much about what was ahead. I was too busy making sure my parents knew I was okay. My mom says I had a small birthday party on our back-porch with Greg and Patrick, but I can't remember it at all. I'm sure I enjoyed it though, we were all pretty inseparable.

The absence of memory is what brought this post about, in all honesty. I remember the surgery and the weeks following very clearly. Things start to get fuzzier after that. I know I've lost a lot of memories from my 13th-17th years. It's not a complete wipe by any means, but I know there are some important pieces of the puzzle missing. Typing this out has helped recover some of those memories, strangely enough. I hadn't even intended to write about my surgery, to be honest. I had even forgotten that I had it the day after my birthday—my mom had to help me out with that one. But for whatever reason these moments are triggers that lead me to others.

I've been thinking about my testimony a lot lately. My salvation happened about a year or so after all of this, and I've been having trouble putting all the pieces together to remember what led up to that point and what happened afterward. I remember the cruxes, but I know there is much more to the story. I guess I'm just afraid that I've lost some moments that might help others, some of the fracture-points and mistakes made along the way.

On the news this morning, they were talking about the death of the last surviving British soldier who fought in World War I. They said he couldn't talk about most of the battles he fought in until he neared the very end of his life. He said that some of his brothers had forgotten those moments, but that there would never be a day he didn't remember them. It made me wonder if maybe I had been blessed with a sort of selective forgetfulness. God brought me through those times, so maybe He is sparing me from having to relive them over and over again.

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."
-Philippians 3:13

And man, do I have a lot to look forward to.

I Followed Your Breadcrumbs

2009-05-22T22:53:00.002-05:00

Anne Lamott told me I had to write a minimum of 200 words a day, so I figured I had better get started on that instead of clicking around on my Mac changing mostly cosmetic settings for no real reason at all. I’m re-reading her book Bird by Bird, which means I’m also re-learning how well she can convict me about my tendency to get out of doing my writing by any means possible. No more than five minutes ago, I was in my bathroom scrubbing away at the countertop as if attempting to decontaminate an area that had just been visited by a less than hygienic Mexican immigrant who may or may not have been infected with the Swine flu. Better to do that than face this menacing blank word document and throw my jumbled thoughts out there for everyone to see. Being a private person can really come back to bite you as a writer. I get so far out of the habit of telling stories that it gets hard to put them into words. They end up sounding like fragments: interesting moments with nothing tying them together, and I’m left wondering why I was so excited about them in the first place. It’s like having a school of fish parade around inside your head, but by the time you’re ready to take a look at them in all their scaly glory, they’ve scattered away and you’re left with the skeletal remains of two lost souls who couldn’t find anything interesting to say to save their lives. My goal for the summer is to try to find the story in the leftovers, to dig for fossils in the desert field, as Stephen King might put it. Because it’s never going to be handed to me on a silver platter, battered and grilled as I like it. It’s something I’m going to have to work for. And for once, I’m pretty excited about it.

A Truly Beautiful Letdown

2009-04-22T01:48:00.003-05:00

So, by now you're probably wondering how the Pope Courtland concert went.

...

Oh, you didn't know about it?

Apparently you aren't alone. It was a windy, blustery day in Oxford, Mississippi. The sky was overcast and storm clouds scurried about, looking for some weary travelers to unleash hell upon. Of course, being the bright and shiny optimists that we are, we never expected that one of those clouds could be out to get us. We're Pope Courtland for heaven's sake. Why would God want to inconvenience us?

God inconvenienced us. After a relatively short unpacking/setting-up period, we were finally about to get to the business of practicing our setlist. Suddenly, a storm that seemed like it was trying to break the covenant between God and Noah came upon us. We ran to cover up the equpment: towels were thrown over instruments, table cloths became tarps for amplifiers, and Collier used his own body to cover up the keyboard. Our efforts were of little use. The rain came from every direction, and before we knew it, everything was soaked. The storm only lasted a few minutes, but the damage was done.

Drenched and demoralized, we slowly got to work drying everything off. Paige and her friend, LT, came to watch us practice, and the towels they brought to sit on were put to more pressing work. They helped us wipe off our dripping guitars and cables and were great sports about it. I knew then why performing artists always said their fans were the greatest in the world. It takes special people to stick with you through the good moments and the bad, and the best of these will give you the towels off their backs. The drying off took longer than set-up, but we somehow managed to get everything back together with just enough time to run through our songs before the show started.

Practice went relatively well. We still had a few snags, but for the most part we chocked it up to the fact that we were all a little traumatized. I was just happy I didn't get electrocuted when I plugged my amp back in. A few minutes before we were set to go on, we marched past the Grove's population of Oak trees and squirrels to spruce up a bit in the student union. There we experienced a miracle: a revolutionary new hand-dryer that looked like something out of a science fiction movie. With fresh clothes, spiffy hair, and the driest hands Mississippi had ever seen, we headed back to the stage prepared to get the job done, no matter the cost.

A little over 30 people came out to the rain drenched Grove that day. Needless to say, we were a little bummed. I didn't mind too much. Less of an audience meant less pressure, which I hoped meant we would all be a little less nervous on stage, helping us to perform better. The nervous conversations and feverish prayers convinced me otherwise. The first song went relatively well; I only caught a few missed notes, and the guys didn't look too terribly upset. That is, until one of Collier's strings broke. We finished out the song, but this extra setback didn't do much to encourage us. Andy lost track of the tempo a few times since we were all sharing a monitor, and Alderman's vocals got loud enough to deafen me every now and then, but things were holding together. We hadn't failed a song yet. My shining moment was when I got back onstage after Cal gave his testimony. I couldn't hear myself in the monitor, so I wondered if they had messed with the settings on the EQ. I walked around stage for a bit to see if it would get any better, when I noticed that I was able to walk a lot farther than I had a few minutes ago. I didn't want to look down. Sure enough, I'd come unplugged. I was playing a silent instrument. Gotta love snags. I laughed it off, plugged the fickle cord back in, and kept playing.

The second half of the show went much better than the first. I don't know if it was because we had finally found our flow, or if we were just happy it was almost over. Regardless, our sound improved, and the audience finally got up and started dancing around. That was enough to make me put the night into perspective. We may not have played our best, and we may have been beating ourselves up over it. But in the end, our listeners had a good time. They checked their inhibitions at the door long enough to mosh around for a little while. And if making people leave themselves behind for just one moment isn't the point of music, I'm not sure what is.

On Repeat

2009-04-05T02:22:00.000-05:00

Of all the things I would have done differently
The culmination of all the qualities I respected and admired
The stealer of my heart, my soulfriend
The other half that even now, still is
You were an earth shattering coincidence

The sum of a song
With notes perfectly placed
You were beautifully written

Instruments unbeknownst to ourselves
We resonated through dissonance
We were something to behold
A duet unparalleled in its harmony

What you thought was an interlude
I thought was an end
We waited for cues to start up again
'Til I was satisfied with the abrupt conclusion

I skip the last notes
And imagine what it would be like if the song never ended

Many Bothans Died To Bring Us This Information

2009-04-02T22:35:00.001-05:00

I had my first tutoring session today. I walked into the computer lab with a nervous excitement about what I was about to do. Tutoring was something new for me. Usually I take the role of World's Nicest Editor, slashing through incorrect words and misplaced commas with blue ink, (because red is menacing) but taking the time to write nice comments in the margins so no one's feelings would get hurt. Today I had to be something more than that: A Socratic Questioner, a Knower of Brilliant Ideas, and a Master Wordsmith.

His name was Davy, and he had made a D or below on every paper in that class. He made absolutely sure I was aware of that before we had even introduced ourselves. I told him that was fine, that this time we'd see about getting something a little higher. I prepared to see a jumbled mess on the pages in front of me. I took a deep breath and readied my blue pen. He read the paper aloud, and even though there were several grammar problems and a few higher-order things he could work on, there wasn't much I thought he needed to change. So, what now? I was supposed to be the Great Fixer, the Knower of All Things. If I couldn't think of things a for a D student to fix, what did that say about me as a tutor, or as a writer? "So... is there anything that's bothering you about this paper" I asked, trembling a little the phoniness voice. I hoped he didn't notice.

"I don't know if I'm making my point," he said.

Bingo, right? There's something to work on. I went back through and read some of the paragraphs to myself. Avoiding awkward silence is apparently a top priority in the Writing Center, so I did my best to keep the conversation going while I was reading.

"Dr. Potts sounds like he's pretty strict about his preferences," I said.

"Yeah, yeah. I usually think I've made my point, you know, then he comes back and says I done it all wrong. Just ain't no telling what he wants."

That sounded promising. I found a few places where his conclusions were mostly personal opinion, and asked him if he thought they were coming across that way. He said he thought so, and readily agreed with my suggestion to take out as much of his opinion as possible, which was nice since it specificly said "No personal opinions!" in the assignment sheet. I came up with a few more questions as I went along, and we decided that the most pressing issue was his conclusion, which wasn't even there, really. What surprised me more than anything was that I didn't catch it when I was listening to him read out loud. It reminded me that even though I consider myself a good listener, I don't always catch everything. It was pretty humbling, actually. I'm hoping it gets easier with practice.

"I really appreciate the help man. I'm feeling much better about it and all," he said. I don't know if he was being genuine or not. He sounded like it. I hope he was.

"I hope it helps," I said, and walked away knowing I had a lot more to learn.

You Shall Not Pass

2009-04-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

If I tell writer's block that it doesn't exist, will it go away?

Prelude to a Masterpiece

2009-02-27T22:57:00.000-06:00

Every now and then, it's good to be a little lost. The lack of clarity allows you to see things you might completely miss otherwise. Like those illusion books we played with as children. It's only when you lose focus, and look beyond what your eyes first see, that you make out the butterfly, the palm tree on a barren island, the outline of a ringed planet.

I get so caught up in trying to figure out my purpose, my one true path, that I forget I'm just a speck in a larger, much more intricate painting. When I'm depressed, the brush blurs my edges. When I'm stressed, my corners are sharpened. When I've lost something, a section that didn't fit is removed.

Sometimes those pieces want to talk about the things that they've seen.

Sometimes they need to wander first.

The Personification of Blogger

2008-12-19T01:05:00.000-06:00

Wow, this thing. It's been forever. I almost forgot you were here. When was the last time we talked? Really? Well I'm sorry I've been so neglectful. School has a way of occupying your mind until you forget there are other elements of your life that might be more beneficial to you in the long run. At least I've been occupied. You've just been sitting here. Must be lonely.

I've learned a lot more during my first semester at MC than I thought I would. For the first time since Middle School I've been a part of a group at a school. It doesn't feel too terribly different since they are, for the most part, the people I have considered my close friends for several years now. Sharing similar experiences has a way of drawing people together. Emotional struggles have brought people close whom might otherwise have remained distant. This has definitely been the case for me. I've strengthened several relationships because I have shared or been able to identify with something going on in their lives. On the other hand, bickering, squabbles, and hurt feelings have caused division in the group and driven some people apart. Not much has changed since Middle School.

Being in an environment where I have so many opportunities to be with other people has been a welcome change for me. I think I need that sort of challenge. At Ole Miss, it was so easy just to go to class, pack my things up and head back to my house. I would sit in my room for hours doing next to nothing. I would talk with my roommates when they were home, but those felt like rare occasions. It's easy to get depressed when you've only got yourself for company. On the other hand, I had plenty of time to think while I was there. I had quiet moments to walk around the Square, the campus, or the neighborhood to figure things out and regain my focus. It's something I lost this past semester, so I'll definitely be looking for those peaceful moments next year.

The goal I hope most to achieve next semester is effective management of my time. Despite avoiding videogames, movies and books, I still managed to put things off 'til the last minute. It's a college student staple I'd like to remove, if only partially. Work would get done so much faster if I could just make myself sit down and do it. So would my writing. So would a lot of things. Goal number two which is equally important is to stop being such a perfectionist in certain areas. I would get a whole lot more done if I wasn't afraid of doing it incorrectly the first time. And so I turn to the benevolent, all knowing Tyler Durden to give me wisdom. Because a 19 page analysis paper should never go to waste.

"“I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect. I say let’s evolve, let the chips fall where they may.” --T.D.

Embrace your incompleteness and do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Sounds like a pretty solid mantra to live by.

Retrospective

2008-10-21T15:03:00.001-05:00

I remember when I lived my life online.

I would update every day. I would write about something funny my girlfriend said, or about how I was feeling, or about how much I disliked the overbearing adults in my church. Nothing ever seemed too drab or boring to make a post about. Nothing was off-limits. I very rarely hid anything about myself. I was an open book, just waiting to be picked up and read. And I was read fairly often.

I'm not sure what happened. I don't know what changed me and made me into such a reserved, private person. At one point in time, you could get a better idea of who I was by reading my livejournal than by reading my psychiatrist's notes.

I don't write for myself anymore. It's why I've lost my muse, my voice. It's so depressing to look at words I have written and not recognize them as my own.

The Beautiful Letdown

2008-04-23T17:38:00.007-05:00

It's another beautiful day in Oxford, Mississippi. The sun is shining, it's 90 degrees, and everyone is dressed to kill. I'm driving down Jackson Street with my windows down. The wind takes issue with the way I've styled my hair. The drivers ahead of me brake to catch a fleeting glimpse of the Ole Miss sorority girls jogging down the sidewalk. As I pass the car ahead of me I notice he's wearing a red Polo shirt with the collar popped.

No real surprise.

Am I really driving half-way across town to grab a gallon of milk because I refuse to walk into Wal-Mart one more time this week?

Hell yeah.

Am I really sitting here wasting gas that cost $3.55 a gallon because I went to get something that I didn't need, something I could have done without?

Damn right.

Does life here always feel this decadent? Has everything become superficial?

Hottie Toddy.

This is Fact not Fiction

2008-04-16T01:08:00.004-05:00

I just wrote 3,000 words in the span of 25 minutes.

Something in this old brain of mine still works right.

One Word at a Time

2008-04-03T17:52:00.002-05:00

I am convinced that facebook is the ultimate anti-writing device. Back in the day, the way to network online was through Livejournal. If you wanted someone to say something to you, you had to write a post, be it only a few sentences, and wait. Then came Xanga, which was pretty much the same thing. After that, Myspace exploded onto the scene and before you know it every illiterate teenager on the planet thinks they're a blogger when they send their top friends a chain spam message.

So then there's facebook. Cool, clean, informative. Social networking done right. And that's the problem. Why spend ten or fifteen minutes writing something for people to respond to when you can just jot a note down on their wall? Personal insights and revelations? They have no place on facebook, not even in the almost entirely overlooked "notes" application.

I've opened this little white box at least five times this week, and each time I find myself wondering why I should bother writing something here when I can get a response so much faster by browsing through a few walls and poking a few people. And so I don't write. I browse. I "network." And I forget what it is I wanted to accomplish with this blog in the first place.

Act One

2008-02-09T23:57:00.000-06:00

I was not afraid.

Men and women in blue scrubs scurried in all directions. The place reeked of anti-bacterial spray and gauze tape. The man behind me made small talk. I nodded or chuckled at appropriate moments.

I was not afraid.

They had given me two pills. One for anxiety, the other for some purpose I've forgotten. I didn't need the anxiety drug. I had steeled myself for this. My heart was hardened. I pulled myself onto the stretcher.

I was not afraid.

My parents were there. They had their brave faces on. They were terrified. The nurse wheeled me into an elevator. My parents had to take another.
"Sorry. VIPs only," I said.
They laughed. The doors shut.

I was not afraid.

It was crowded. The nurse smiled and told me she was going to put the IV in now. I smiled and told her to do it whenever she was ready. She missed the vein. She pulled it out and gave it a quizzical look.
"That's a tricky one. Let's give it another try."
She thumped my arm a few times and tried again. She missed.
"Let's see if the head nurse can do it, okay?"
"Okay," I said.

I was not afraid.

The head nurse got it on his first try. I reached out for my mom's hand.
"He's getting groggy," she said to my father.
"I am not," I said. I didn't feel sleepy at all.
She gave my dad a knowing look.

"I love you honey," she said.
"I love you too, mom."
I let go of her hand. She told me I would be okay. I told her I knew I would.
"I love you son," my father said.
I was stunned. He didn't say that very often.
"I love you too, dad."
Then they wheeled me away.

I was in the operating room. I didn't remember getting there, but I was still convinced I wasn't groggy. I tried to tell my surgeon. He put an oxygen mask on me and told me I would be asleep soon. The light blazed overhead.

I was not afraid.

Replay

2008-01-09T10:33:00.001-06:00

I've never been good at recapping my years. That comes from having a terrible sense of time and a poor listing ability. I'd never make it as a proper blogger. The same is true of recapping breaks, Winter and Summer alike. However, in the spirit of getting myself into the habit of a daily writing regimen, I'm going to give it a shot.

I saw some amazing movies:

No Country for Old Men was just as amazing as the book. Anton Chigurh is a great villain, and it was worth the price of admission to see him on the big screen.

I Am Legend was surprisingly satisfying both times I saw it. Will Smith finally made it through a movie without saying "Aw, hell nah," which was amazing in itself. I love dystopian and apocalyptic stories, so this was a hit with me.

Juno is something that cannot be adequately described with words. It was beautifully done. I found myself able to identify with nearly everything, save the actual pregnancy, which is admittedly the most important part of the story line. It was over the top, funny when you might think it should be serious, and completely true-to-life.

Sweeney Todd is the only musical I've ever enjoyed. I sat through it twice, and would gladly do it again. It's dark, bloody, maniacal, and it just filled me with joy. I know, I'm sick.

I saw many of my friends:

Christmas parties at the Brooks' house is always a sort of magical experience. Their house is always overflowing with decorations, home-made food, and presents. It's like Mississippi's North Pole. For someone who's house's decorations consist of a tiny artificial tree and a really tacky wreath, being somewhere that actually feels celebratory is always a treat.

New Years Eve was just as fun. Rock Band and fireworks at the Lewallen's forcefully moved my mind away from some of the more troubling things that had been happening, as they inevitably do, around Christmas. Mr. Lewallen taught me that bottle rockets are completely useless unless lit and thrown into the water. Then they become glorious. Kudos to him.

So now I have less than a week until my second semester at Ole Miss begins. I'm equally excited and nervous about it, truth be known. Here's to the remaining few days of friends, family and free-time.

No Comment

2007-11-18T14:50:00.001-06:00

I'm writing this because I seem to be drawing a blank every time I try to sit down and get a story going. I can get a few paragraphs down no problem, but after that I blank out and can't seem to remember where it was I wanted to go with it. Not that I usually start out with somewhere to go anyway, but that's beside the point. The point is, my deadline is December 7th, and I haven't got a single page of text written down. I have a few ideas for a story, which is more than I usually start out with, so there's that at least. Normally I would chock it up to laziness or fear or something of that nature, but that doesn't quite ring true to me, since I'm having no problem making myself sit down to write, which is usually my biggest obstacle. If I had to guess, I would say it's that I have too much time. I usually start writing a story, in earnest, a night or two before it's due. So now that I have about three weeks to complete it, and my back isn't against a wall, I am in a nearly all-encompassing stasis. Oh well. I'll be over it in two and a half weeks.

Oxford, Day: Man I don't even know

2007-10-25T11:10:00.001-05:00

I have to admit, sometimes it takes two or three requests for an update before I actually find the motivation to do it.

Not unlike Amy, I too have a gigantic post sitting in my draft section. Most of it turned out to be the overly emotional rambling of a college student at 4 in the morning, so I didn't actually post the stuff. Maybe I'll revise it one day and give you a peek into the life of alt-russ.

I'm sitting in the Student Union right now. It's probably my favorite place on campus. There's a Chick-Fil-A (sort of), a very tasty pizza shop, a few other miscellaneous restaurants, and a Barnes and Noble. I really couldn't ask for (Best Buy) much (Borders) more. I'm actually supposed to be studying for a historical geology test I have to take in an hour and a half, but after reading through the 250 slides once already, I really have no desire to start pouring through them again. This teacher, if you can call what he does teaching, is quite possibly the worst excuse for a professor this University has. As much as I hate to admit it, I would actually prefer to re-take Spanish at Holmes than sit through this guy's lectures. Until I took this class, I had never experienced a lecture that made me want to be violent. It's really that bad.

Aside from Ben Stein's idol of a Professor, things here are going pretty well. I love all my other classes, and I feel like I'm really getting something from them, which is a major change from my classes back at Holmes. I guess my biggest disappointment so far is that I haven't made that many friends here. In fact, there's only one person I've become friends with here that I hadn't known previously. She's great, don't get me wrong, but I kind of feel secluded and alone when my room-mates go and hang out with their circle of friends and I'm stuck hanging around the house. That's probably the biggest morale killer I've experienced so far.

This is a behemoth of a post, and I really do need to start slicing through those powerpoint slifes, so I'm going to end here. Thanks for reading. Feel free to stick around for cheese crackers and filtered water.

I was so cool in 1957

2007-10-15T11:01:00.001-05:00

Russ Puts Man-Made Moon in Orbit!

Oxford, Day One

2007-08-16T21:41:00.002-05:00

Dorothy, we ain't in Kansas anymore.

As you may have guessed from the title, I finalized my move to Oxford today. I loaded up my SUV with whatever I thought I might need (which turned out to be a lot more than I thought), and drove the 2 1/2 hours to what I'll call home for the next year or so.

The drive up here didn't go exactly as planned. About ten minutes or so after I got on the interstate, I heard a loud "snap," that sounded like breaking a twig. My first thought was that someone had thrown a rock off an overpass and broken a window (apparently a fear I still have after having that happen to my mother and I when I was younger). Seeing nothing, I decided that I was just being paranoid, and turned my thoughts back to the road. A few minutes later, I noticed a spider-shaped crack in the lower-center of my windshield.

This is especially irritating since I just got my car out of the shop yesterday, having gotten it a full tune up and some (way too expensive) repair-work.

Crappy car news aside, I arrived safely at my new house, was greeted by Blake and practically all of Emily's family, minus Emily herself. Blake helped me unpack, and I spent an hour getting everything set up, namely my television and computer area. Blake and the Shoff's left around five to eat dinner and meet Emily for her ceremony, and I remained behind to meet the cable guy, who installed everything after putting up a short fuss over my proof of residence.

After all that was finished, I went to McAlister's and ate, then found Kroger and bought a few groceries. Let me just say that buying groceries, shopping cart and all, made me feel very old. And now it's 10:00. Blake said he would be back around 8:30, so either he got eaten by an Armadillo or has been possessed by Emily. Sigh.

Motion Pictures

2007-06-28T12:22:00.001-05:00

Testing out the new video upload tool. If it works, awesome. If not, then you'll have no idea what I'm talking about, so it wont matter that much to you. Carry on.

Man invented fire. Upon showing fire to Woman, the above happened.

Miscellaneous

2007-06-18T23:17:00.001-05:00

I just figured out the perfect candidate-team to run for president.

President - Al Gore
Vice Pres. - Bill Gates
Campaign Manager - Steve Jobs

It absolutely cannot fail.

Blue Like Motion Picture Soundtracks

2007-06-17T23:03:00.002-05:00

So I was reading Donald Miller's blog tonight, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that Don has been writing a screenplay for a movie adaptation of Blue Like Jazz. Honestly, I thought it might be a joke at first. If you've read the book, you know it isn't exactly a straightforward narrative. But after thinking about it for a bit, and placing some faith in the wit of Donald Miller, I think it could turn out to be a really incredible picture. Thinking back to the characters that Don fleshed out in Blue Like Jazz - Penny, Tony the Beat Poet, Don himself - there is definitely potential to bring those characters to life on the big screen. So here's wishing Donald Miller the best of luck. I can't wait to see the movie when it arrives.
Blue Like Jazz - Amazon.com

Sleep Deprivation

2007-05-27T03:34:00.001-05:00

So I've been awake for about 32 hours now. I'll get drowsy for a few minutes and then I'll be wide awake. It's really quite maddening. My sleeping pill messed with my mind last night by making me feel like my bed was full of spiders. I remember that quite vividly, but I must have fallen asleep for about an hour, because my next memory is of looking at the pictures on my camera and seeing about 20 pictures of my room, mostly from the same angle. I don't remember taking them. The moral of the story is: avoid staying awake after taking a sleeping pill at all costs.

I'm an Engine Driver

2007-05-16T21:15:00.001-05:00

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my little story. The more I write the more I feel like I may actually be able to make something of myself by doing it. The process is frustrating at times, especially when my Well of Imagination runs dry and I'm left staring at a white box or a blank Moleskine page. But getting it down, making up a story from thin air, and then being able to tell it, feels magical.

I've started writing a special someone again. Reading a letter the old fashioned way feels so much more personal, almost intimate. It's sad that it's an [almost] lost art.

Perfectionists Beware

2007-05-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

I'm really tempted to take out some of the mistakes I noticed, but I'll refrain. My new year's resolution was to try and stop being such a perfectionist. So, without further ado . . .

No Need For Adventure

I woke up to an empty bed, the same as every other day, and got ready for work. My job at Libros was the only thing that kept me sane. I was forced to leave my shell for a while—forced to interact with people. My therapist tells me I should get out of the house more often. She says I'm only hurting myself by cooping myself up in this room. She's probably right. The only thing I do at home is clean. I don't know when I developed that habit. My college years were spent in the dirtiest dorms on campus. I'd lived in filth for most of my life. Over time I guess I just got sick of it. So I started to clean. And I haven't been able to stop since.

My boss let me leave early that day. Tuesdays are notoriously slow for bookstores, and ours was no exception. I didn't keep any food in the house. It used to spoil before I could get to it anyway. So instead of going back into my shell, I drove to Chili's. The waitress there—Amber is her name—knows me by name. “Hey Max,” she said, leading me to a booth next to the bar. I ordered my usual, a burger with ketchup and fries. No need for adventure tonight, I thought. Amber brought my food out punctually, as usual. She sat down across from me.

“I'm off early tonight,” she said.

“Me too.” I said “Slow night.”

“Tell me about it.”

This is where we reached that period known throughout the world as the “awkward silence.” It didn't come as any surprise to me—I'm notoriously bad at conversation. Amber's dark green eyes seemed to be somewhere else.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said, left with little choice in the matter “go ahead.”

“Why do you come here, alone, night after night?”

Her emphasis on the word alone stung me. “I don't know,” I lied “I guess I just like the food.”

“But why alone?” she pressed, unwilling to let me off easily.

My eyes darted around for a second. I couldn't tell her. It had been nearly a year, and I still couldn't tell her.

“I guess . . .” I started, and cut off when I noticed a man approaching the table. He was a tall guy, clad in the white muscle shirt and the gray sweatpants of your typical gym-addict. He stood above us, glaring at Amber like she was a child who had just misbehaved. Her head drooped a little, and she said “I gotta go Max. Enjoy your food.” The man whispered something in her ear, looking in my direction. Amber grabbed him by the waist and led him around the corner. I sighed in relief. Just a jealous boyfriend, I thought. Glad to have avoided another awkward conversation, I finished my meal in silence.

A few minutes after I had finished, the restaurant started clearing out. I checked my shirt self consciously and noticed I had gotten some ketchup on it. Cursing under my breath I left the booth and walked over to the restrooms. When I rounded the corner I heard a muffled crash that sounded like glass breaking. It came from the women's restroom. I stood listening for a moment, for a curse, a shout, anything really. I didn't hear anything else, so I continued on to the men's room. I took out an eye-drop bottle that I used to hold my homemade cleaning solution. It was a careful mix of detergent, ammonia, and lemon juice. Dabbing some on the ketchup stain, I stood looking at my shirt in the mirror. Satisfied with the job I had done, I started towards the door. I had taken two steps before I heard screaming followed by sobs coming from the women's bathroom. I hesitated for a moment, heart stuck in my throat, and then rushed out into the hallway. I cracked open the door to the women's restroom, unsure if I should really be the one to be doing this, and saw Amber on her knees, scrubbing the floor as hard as she could. Both of her eyes were blackened, and her clothes were halfway torn off her body. Shards of the mirror covered the tiled floor, several of the pieces digging into Amber's already bleeding knees. Still scrubbing, she looked up at me, mascara running down her face, and said “He's gone. He can't hurt me anymore.”

“Who did this, Amber?” I asked

She didn't have to answer. Just behind her, face down in one of the stalls, was the Gym-addict. I ran over to him, not sure what it was I thought I could do. I turned him over and checked his pulse. Nothing. His throat was cut, and blood still seeped from the wound. I made a makeshift bandage out of some toilet paper and wrapped it around his neck to try and contain the bleeding. It worked better than I thought it would.

“It wont come out,” Amber said from behind me. I forced myself to look away from the dead man, and turned to see Amber still scrubbing at the blood stains on the floor. I stared for a moment at this woman who had just been beaten within an inch of her life, who had just killed the man who had done it, and said “Here. Let me help.”

What's In A Name?

2007-05-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

I think I'll rename this blog to "Russ a Month." It would be more accurate.

I am now the proud, partial ~~owner~~ tenant of a house. It's really quite nice. Three rooms, two baths, kitchen, big back-yard, garage. The works. There's a long story behind its acquisition, but I've probably told it to most of you who read this. So I wont bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that I'm very excited about it. Most of me is ready to move in. The rest is a bit nervous.

I wrote a fictional story not too long ago. It's a bit creepy, in my humble opinion. It definitely isn't the type of thing I'm used to writing, but I suppose that's a good thing. I'll post it if anyone's interested. It's about three pages long and unedited. Let me know in the comments.

P.S. - Check out the news feed in the right-hand corner of the blog. It shows stories I've hand picked because they were interesting to me. You might enjoy some of them too.

It Don't Matter To The Moon

2007-04-05T22:22:00.001-05:00

I'm in the middle of an anti-creativity bubble. I am convinced of this. Every time I sit down to write a story I get one, maybe two, sentences down before I come up blank. Just between you and me, I think I'd rather be depressed. At least that breeds creativity.

Currently Listening: "Since You've Been Around" by Rosie Thomas
Currently Reading: "Exile" by Aaron Allston

Some photos I took:

Good News Comes...

2007-04-04T15:42:00.001-05:00

So after stressing out about it for most of last night and all of this morning, my anti-spyware program issued an update and reported that this was indeed a false-positive. I am full of joy. And a bit of angry over spending a ton of time burning a total of 8 DVD's with potentially un-needed back-up files. Oh well, I needed to back up sooner or later.

All Your Base...

2007-04-03T21:21:00.001-05:00

So SpySweeper is telling me I have a trojan-horse/rootkit on my computer. The research I've done on this particular bug suggests that this is a false positive. However, if it is the real thing, then I'll be forced to reformat my hard drive. That means I'll either spend a weekend backing up files to DVD-R's or I will spend the weekend regretting the fact that I forgot to back something up. So here's to hoping this is just a false positive.

Title And Registration

2007-03-28T23:20:00.000-05:00

So honestly, I sort of forgot about my blog. I mean, I've stuck with it for a long time, but the idea of keeping a journal of sorts online has seemed a bit foreign to me lately. I think that may be because I've been doing a lot more writing freehand in an old-fashioned journal. It could also be because I don't feel like I have that much to share with the general public. Or maybe it's just laziness. Who knows for sure?

I'm glad they finally updated the way Blogger works. The old publishing delay got pretty annoying, and the lack of organization options meant sorting through tons of entries to find a post about a particular topic. They fixed latter problem by adding what they call "labels," which are known as "tags" in web 2.0 speak. Basically they let you categorize your blog entries, which may not seem worthwhile at first, but once you've got 50+ posts, you may wish you had taken the time to jot down a few tags.

I should take the time to thank Betsy, Amy, and the Colliers for taking the initiative and breathing life into a once fledging platform. I'm inspired by your commitment to keep writing even when you don't get tons of feedback. So this post is dedicated to you guys. Keep it up.

I'm Shipping Up To Boston

2006-11-29T11:54:00.002-06:00

I had a dream last night that I shaved off my beard. I had done it for some reason, and I wasn't happy about it. Even my dream-Mother told me I shouldn't shave it (which my real mother would never do). But I did, and I was really upset about it. Then this morning I woke up and was surprised to see that I hadn't shaved it off. I think that was the first time I've ever been surprised when something that I dreamed didn't happen in real life.

I've been thinking a lot of random, paranoid things lately. For instance, I think the Steak Escape drivers are trying to kill me. Every time I come home on that road that runs from the church to 51, a car with the yellow "Steak Escape" box appears out of nowhere, and proceeds to drive about two inches away from my car, all the while swerving to see if he can pass me (which he always can, because there's never anyone else on that road). But he never passes, preferring to try and blind me with his brights or run me off the road. I don't even think it's the same guy each time, because one of their drivers sports a monster-truck. Or at least something that would fit in at one of those twisted metal derbies.

Both of my sisters need prayer. If you don't pray, send happy thoughts.

A Swift Orderly Change

2006-11-14T21:41:00.002-06:00

Oh how this empty white box taunts me. It does very little to inspire, and even less to motivate. I have a hard time understanding how some bloggers are able to update daily. It's one thing to keep a daily journal, but to regularly broadcast one's thoughts and opinions to anyone willing to is something entirely different. It would be very interesting to peer into the mind of someone reading their own opinion pieces five or ten years down the road. I suppose I may have the opportunity to do that one day. If I stumble upon this entry, I'll be sure to update you on what it feels like.

I've been reading a good bit of Edgar Allen Poe this week. We were assigned to read several of his poems and short stories this week in my American Literature class. I can follow his writing more easily than I could the other transcendentalists, such as Thoreau, or Emerson. As for casual reading, I recently began re-reading Blue Like Jazz (for about the third time). If you haven't gotten a chance to read it yet, I highly recommend you do so. Don Miller is a very insightful Christian thinker. I've also been reading through Socrates Cafe, which is a memoir, of sorts, about how the author set up these small-group style meetings where people would actively engage each other in Socratic dialogue. I'd love to be able to participate in something like that.

Other than that, I've focused mostly on writing papers, stories, and articles. That's part of the reason I haven't updated here. If I'm not writing for school, I feel like I'm not being "productive". I'll try and shake that habit. Wish me luck.

The Realm of Possibility

2006-10-26T20:26:00.001-05:00

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to Tetris. I bought the game on iTunes a few weeks ago, and I've been fitting multi-colored blocks together ever since. It reminds me of when I was younger, constantly thinking of new things to build with Lego blocks. I would buy a set that was supposed to be used to make a spaceship or a town or something, but I would completely disregard whatever it was that the box told me to do. My mom would ask me why I wasn't reading the instructions, and I would respectfully tell her that, as an artist, I could not be confined to such narrow-minded restrictions thought up by some fool up at corporate. I would sigh and return to work on my masterpiece, using the heads of lego-men to make an impenetrable gate to my fortress.

I'm always amazed by what children can come up with if you give them a little room to use their imagination. I think that's something we slowly begin to lose when we grow older, when we become accustomed to things being done a certain way. We stop questioning why something is the way it is and start to work within boundaries that we never think to challenge. We believe those that say something is impossible when they fail to achieve it. Is it not possible, then, that they simply did not reach far enough?

"Men are generally idle, and ready to satisfy themselves, and intimidate the industry of others, by calling that impossible which is only difficult."
- Samuel Johnson

It's Bound To Melt Your Heart

2006-10-07T17:55:00.001-05:00

It's been a busy month. Not as busy as I had expected it to be, but pretty close. Taking two literary courses has been wonderful, but the reading is pretty heavy. I actually enjoy it though. I would much rather be up to my nose in literature than drowning in formulas and equations. I'm all A's so far, so I seem to be doing something right. I'll get back to you on that once I actually finish this semester.

October is finally here. Cool breezes and stylish overcoats should be commonplace. Dozens of people strolling through the parks should be a very common sight. And they will be, just as soon as the temperature drops below 92 degrees. I like to think that I'm not affected by "seasonal depression", because I absolutely love the mood set by autumn and winter. The truth is that I do start to get a bit down around this time of year. I will steadfastly deny this in public, however, and tell you that no man could ever be depressed when surrounded by such beauty: The golden-bronze leaves drifting slowly to their beds of grass, the stolen glance at a couple's embrace under the moon's bright light.

Maybe that's what gets me down. I have no one to share those things with. Mostly I am content with trusting in God to handle my lack of an intimate relationship. But sometimes I stray; sometimes I think it's unfair. And then I am reminded from this Place inside me that I will only be content with an intimate relationship with one Person. And then I feel a little silly for thinking that I would find wholeness in anyone else. And then I do better for a little while.

Information Travels Faster In The Modern Age

2006-08-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

Things have been going pretty good at school. All of the subjects I'm taking are interesting to me, which is a definite improvement over some of my previous semesters. I'm really looking forward to my College Publication class. I'll be writing some of the opinion columns for our monthly paper, The Growl. I'm a bit nervous about it, seeing as I've never been published in anything other than a blog before. I haven't even been given my first assignment though, so I have a while before I need to panic.

I'm supposed to write a short story for my creative writing class by Friday. There weren't any guidelines, which makes sense since it's a creative writing class. I think he's going to print out a copy of every one's paper and get the class to critique and review them. There seems to be a good amount of excellent writers in there too, so I'll have my work cut out for me this time. It should definitely be interesting.

P.S. - Wireless keyboards aren't exactly typist-friendly. Keyboards should pick up every letter you type, not just the ones it feels like picking up.

Link of the Day - The Brick Testament

Essential Software

2006-08-17T21:25:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to do this for a while, seeing that many of you will be returning to school soon, or have already returned. The list below is of free programs I have discovered over the course of many years of computer usage. I recommend giving these a look. I assure you they will not "mess up your computer". They will change it for the better.

Essential:

Firefox - Never again subject yourself to the horror of Internet Explorer. Firefox is safer, faster, and more convenient than anything that Microsoft has released to date.

iTunes - An obvious choice for many, but it took me a while to convert from Winamp. When I finally did, I never looked back.

Recommended:

OpenOffice - Ever wish you had Microsoft Office, but didn't have the hundred bucks to pay for Powerpoint and all those other things? OpenOffice is completely free, and offers almost all of the same features. Give it a try.

Irfan View - Wonderful image viewing/editing program. Probably not for casual users, but if you like to mess around with your pictures, give this one a look.

Thunderbird - A sister to Firefox, Thunderbird is for people who are tired of dealing with Outlook Express.

AVG Antivirus - The best free anti-virus software out there. You only need this if you don't have an anti-virus program on your computer, or if you no longerreceivee updates for it.

Rainlender - Wonderful little calendar/To-Do list program. Definitely useful if you would like a little more organization in your life.

Those are the most important programs that I can think of. I could name two dozen more, but they're not really essential or for the average user. If you'd like me to post those, however, just let me know and I will see what I can do.

The Problems I Left Were Couches In Alleys

2006-08-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

I really don't know what to say right now. To be honest, I rarely do when I start to write. One of my favorite quotes comes from a gift I was given a long time ago. "There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know 'till he takes up a pen to write." And while the keyboard certainly isn't a pen, it is the next best thing. I've been writing in my new journal a lot lately. Looking back at some of the things I have written, I am reminded how true that quote is. But despite all of my efforts to figure out what, exactly, is constantly occupying my thoughts, I am never fully successful. Defeated despite my best efforts. It's not a pleasant feeling.

Do you remember that feeling you get when you are surrounded by people that you care about, and who care about you, but you feel like you are completely out of place? That feeling has come back to haunt me as of late. I can not for the life of me figure out why. I don't know if it's important, or if it is something of no importance, and will pass beyond my memory when I finally overcome it. But until that day, I will continue to take up my pen to write.

2006-08-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

Chad Vader

You have to watch this. It is brilliant.

Needful Hands

2006-07-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think about the strangest things. Just the other day I was wondering what it would be like if I were to permanently lose my memory. I wouldn't recognize anyone. I would be lost everywhere. Any skills I had would be erased. And yet, there would be still many people that knew the old me. I would have to start a brand new relationship with them. I would probably have a new personality. I wouldn't be the person that they once knew. Would they be patient with me? Would they try and turn me back into the person that I was? Would they help me become something new? Something better?

And what of the people I have loved? Would I fall in love with them all over again? If I was no longer who they had known, would their love for me spring anew? Would their memory of what I had been help or harm our new relationship? Would I make the same mistakes I had made in our former relationship? I speak of course of people that I learned to love, and who had learned to love me. As for my parents, I doubt that any change would affect their love for their child. I imagine that is the same with all parents.

As for the spiritual aspect, I can't imagine what would happen. What if I were to take up some entirely different form of religion? Or what would I be like if I were to turn to atheism? Would my soul be spared if it had become unrecognizable to it's own caretaker?

Things That Make You Laugh At 1 AM

2006-07-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

Warning Label Generator

Andrew is probably the only one who will understand this one, but it's worth a watch for anyone: Lex > Sony

Press Start to Begin

2006-06-18T23:21:00.000-05:00

Due to my innately selfish desire to be read, I had moved over to the blogging site of Xanga for some time. What I failed to realize was that Xanga is, however trendy and popular, a trend nonetheless. Most of my readers moved on to sites like Facebook and Myspace, both of which I have no interest in whatsoever. So despite the lack of feedback or readership I have decided to try and revive my poor abandoned little blog here. I will begin with an obligatory update of life as of late.

The majority of my time is spent on the monotonous homework that is assigned to me at Holmes. While not necessarily difficult, (save for the algebra assignments) they are nevertheless time consuming, although I hold no delusions that they compare at all with what I will face at Ole Miss when I move there in a year. Andrew is moving up there this year, and while I would like to join him, my parents have decided that they want me to complete two years at Holmes, so that is what I will do. Blake is still here, so at least I will not be left without company. Holmes isn't exactly a place where one can easily make new friends, at least not if you are a non-smoker. Socializing in the "smoking areas" (which happen to be every outdoor area on campus) without actually smoking is generally looked down upon, for reasons I cannot fathom.

The rest of my time is spent at my church, Ridgecrest. I must admit, I have not played much of a role there recently. I find it difficult to speak with our youth minister, Joey, and there is no real College ministry to participate in. The only things keeping me from seeking out a church that has a ministry for college students are my friends. The majority of them are still in high school, and no matter how mature they are, I still feel like there are many things that they do not know, or have not experienced, that I am supposed to teach them. To up and leave them at this time in their lives seems irresponsible. But I must again admit that I have not wholeheartedly looked for God's will for me here. I seem to have adopted a moment by moment sort of lifestyle, and I'm not completely sure that this is a good thing for me. Nevertheless, I am here, and tasked with leading a small group beginning this August. I say "tasked" as if it were a burden, but I am really honored by it, and hope that I am given wisdom enough to be of use to them when the time comes. It just so happens that August is also the month that I turn 20, and I can't help but feel that I am holding on to something that I should have left behind a long time ago.

So that is the gist of what has been happening in my part of the story. It's strange how much you can learn about yourself when you decide to write in a free and open manner. Stream-of-consciousness, I believe it's called, though I'm sure I am misusing that term. So now I am off to partake in what may be called sleep. Thank you for humoring a lazy college student who hasn't anything better to do than to reveal his most personal thoughts to the world. See you next time.

MIA

2005-10-26T13:52:00.000-05:00

I'm currently using my Xanga (I know, it wasn't my ideal blog either) to post everything now. Hopefully I can one day return to my Blog. The one nice thing about Xangas is the abundant supply of readership. Comments can be a great motivator for writing. I hope anyone reading this will give my new corner of the internet a look.

Russ's Xanga

All Craft Pull Up

2005-08-28T19:11:00.000-05:00

Admiral Ackbar on Hurricane Katrina: "It's a trap!"

My home has become a small nuclear shelter. With all the random crap my dad decided to buy, I feel pretty confident that we could house up to ten people and survive for an indefinite amount of time. In other news, all is fairly decent in my life at the moment. I've enjoyed hanging out with all the random people that decide to invite me to all the book store invasions and the raids on the fast food restaurants. I have also enjoyed my first week of school, as much as one can enjoy a small local college. Now I shall go weather the storm. Wish me luck.

Living Is Simple

2005-07-27T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm really not sure how to begin this entry, but it needs to be done so here we go. Up until a week ago, I had effectively disappeared from society. It's hard for me to explain my reasoning now. At the time, it seemed like the only option I had. I had settled myself into a deep depression without even realizing it. I had thought I was immune to anything like that happening to me again, or at the very least realize that I was slipping back into that state of mind. I guess I was wrong about that.

There were other reasons too. My mind seemed to be dominated by things that happened in my recent past. These things occupied my thoughts at night, and seemed to completely ignore my desire to put them behind me and get a good night's sleep. My personality seemed to change as well. I was afraid to talk to people. I haven't been a truly shy person since I lived in Florida, and even then I never feared speaking with other people. It sounds a lot like social anxiety, but I've just never really experienced such a thing, so it seems like an awfully foreign condition to me. Anyway, I've gotten through the worst of it. I'm still struggling with getting back to my social life though. It feels like being on an a small island, alone, when all the bridges that connected it to society have been broken, or collapsed because of my neglect. Lame analogy, I know, but it's the one that I've been picturing lately, so it's the one I used.

So to you who have felt neglected or unimportant to me, know that you're not. Know that I deeply desired to have the closest relationship with you possible, but I kept myself from it for reasons I can't completely explain. I know some of you are leaving soon, and I may not get another chance at a relationship with you. I pray you don't hold a grudge against me.

To Erica, I really did call every other day for a month after we last talked. I always got a busy signal or an out of service, so I assume you were out of town. I know you've called since then, but I was out of town for a while too. Sometimes it feels like a cosmic force separates us. I hope you don't think it's my idea of a well-maintained friendship. I cherish the relationship we had, and I regret that it hasn't worked out the way we wished it could have.

To Victoria, you have had more patience with me than I could ever dream of asking of you, or of anyone. I've always envied those who were able to keep their best childhood friends all the way through their lives, but a random phone call or message from you is enough to brighten my day and be thankful for what we share. You've put up with my faults before we grew up enough to realize we had any, and have kept on since then. Thank you for showing me what it's like to have a lifelong friend.

To Greg, I'm not sure if you still stop by here or not, but just know that regardless of how long we haven't talked, I'll be here if you need a friend. Good luck at Southern. Don't forget that Matt will most assuredly kidnap you.

To everyone that will stay around here, I hope I do a better job at being a friend. Hold me to that. If I start to keep to myself again, feel free to abduct me and ship me off to Cuba. To those of you who are leaving, I hope we can keep in touch and continue to be a part of each other's lives. To those who are already gone, know that you're never forgotten by me, no matter how often I seem to disappear. And as we all continue on this road they call life, let us never forget how important our friendships are to us, and how we mean more to each other than we could ever imagine.

Late Nite

2005-05-12T00:34:00.000-05:00

Exams start tomorrow, and I'm sitting here taking in all I can about the Crusades, Joan of Arc, and the Hundred Year War. All very interesting topics. None of them seem to be worth memorizing, at least not at this moment. I seem to have become deathly ill today. It started with me being really shaky this afternoon, and ended with what feels like that time I had food poisoning in Gatlinburg. I don't think it has any relation with exams, but I'm not ruling it out either.

Church was incredible tonight. I'm looking for the words to describe it, but they're just not coming. I'm sure you've had experiences that seemed spectacular to you, but were mundane to everyone else. I'm pretty sure tonight was one of those nights for me. The dinner afterwards wasn't quite as spectacular, but it was still a nice change of pace.

My inner thoughts (as apposed to my outer thoughts?) have been pretty clouded and confusing as of late. I have a lot of unresolved problems in a few relationships that need to be tied up, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. I suppose I need to let go of my "perfection complex". I rarely act on anything that is important to me if I think it will end in disaster. I'm know there are things that just need to be ended (or merely resolved), even if they wont work out the way I hope they do.

Enough of the over-analyzing and back to the useless attempt to carve western history into my memory. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Pointless Update of the Day

2005-04-26T01:41:00.000-05:00

Battle of the Heroes

2005-04-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

I think I bowled a personal high score tonight. 75, I think. I'm just happy I actually hit something. I beat Emily too, so that made it even better. Andrew may have narrowly beat me in the first round, I'm not too sure. Blake doesn't even count. He doesn't play, he massacres. Darn him and his heavy object tossing skills.

I saw Erica and her family at Barnes and Noble yesterday. I didn't really get to talk to them, and I didn't make much of an effort to, even though I wanted to. I don't know what I would have said even if I did go to them. I havn't talked to her in a few months now, I think. Sometimes I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go about things anymore. I think I realize that when I go off to college I'll be with completely different people, and I may never see any of my close friends and people I care deeply for ever again. Maybe that's what has been keeping me so isolated lately. I've been able to hang out with Andrew, and I associate with a few people from Church on Wednesday and Sunday, but other than that it's just a few words with the people at Holmes.

I rarely hear from Greg anymore, and he said he's going to Southern next semester. Patrick is coming home for the summer soon, so maybe all of us will get together again. I miss my outgoing days. I don't want to be that shy boy from Florida again. At least I don't think I do.

Prayers, please.

Ruminations

2005-04-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

That's a beautiful word. I think so anyway. Forgive me for the lack of updates, it's been a crazy month here. I hope I still have a few readers to give me the attention I yearn for.

This past week consisted of me stressing out about a speech I had to come up with and give today. I was convinced I was going to screw it up, forget my lines and make a complete fool out of myself. Luckily that was all for naught, as everyone apparantly loved it, and I got a 99 with a big A+ on the score sheet. I can't tell you how big a weight that is off of my shoulders. I smiled all the way home.

Now I just have to figure out what in the world is going on in my math class. I missed a day, and I feel like I've been gone for months. I think I still have a B average in that class, and I would like to retain it. Kelsey and Meagan helped me through the study guide, but I still have to have this mastered and the formulas memorized by Thursday. Wish me luck.

(I'll be updating sooner this time, I promise)

(Edit: No idea how the triple post happened. Silly Blogger.)

Today

2005-04-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

I often wonder what God's role is in depression (clinical depression). Many people have been brought through terrible misfortunes and long stagnant periods of misery-- to a life greater than we can imagine on our own. So that makes me wonder if anti-depression mediciation interferes with God's plan. Surely He could see how to accomplish His plans through His infinite Eyes, regardless of our actions. So right now, when I see an exit from my personal misery should I take it? Or should I wait here, begging for action, unable to breath. This is what it is like to be me today.

Transient Redemption

2005-04-10T02:45:00.000-05:00

I know not what will come of this.
I know it is coming for me.
I hearken each day its arrival.
Will the hearkening day find me?

Seriously

2005-04-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

You don't want to be a farmer when I decide to kill them all and put an end to daylight savings time.

Which I'll be doing right after this weekend.

Shattered Alive

2005-03-29T23:21:00.000-06:00

I've felt like I'm at the end of my rope for the past few weeks. Just when I feel like I'm at the end of the line, I get a small extension. I sincerely hate writing two overly emotional posts in a row however, so I'll find another topic.

I've been broadening my musical horizens lately. I aquired the new Lifehouse CD which I love, and I've also been addicted to a few songs by Franz Ferdinand. Brilliant stuff I tell you. Patrick came home for Spring break last week, and I spent most of the week hanging out with him and Greg (whenever we could pull him away from the computer). In other news school has become more stressful, and I'm not quite sure why. I cant tell if it's me or if it's the workload. Probably me.

Speaking of school, I'm currently working on a group project in my public speaking class in which we have to... wait for it... market pantyhose to men. Seriously. This is a college course folks. I was hoping we could leave the pantyhose jokes back in pre-school. That said, I think I've put together a convincing list of reasons for men to wear these dreadful things. Just dont expect to see me in them. Ever.

Serenity

2005-03-10T23:39:00.000-06:00

No longer do I struggle, no longer do I suffer. The storm has passed, the calm has come. The day is done, all is well. Exams are finally over, I can finally get some rest.

I saw The Pacifier with Sarah tonight. It was better than I was expecting it to be, but it still had its fair share of corniness. I'm not sure if I really enjoyed it, or if I just enjoyed the overall experience. Either way, there was joy. That's a feeling that's been missing in my life, and I'm glad to finally feel it again. There's a bit of joy in everything I do now, and it filters out the lies and the false hopes. The Author of Joy loves to surprise me, I think. I welcome it with open arms.

If You Never Fly, Your Wings Are Useless

2005-03-08T22:31:00.000-06:00

I've been really busy today. Busier than I've been in a long time. I don't think I've ever read through so many books looking for references in my 18 years of existance. I'm sure things will only get worse next semester, so I should probably refrain from complaining. I'll just grin and bear it like everyone else.

Tonight was incredible. I went to the Mitchell's house for the Dave Ramsey lesson. I'm surprised I made it there in one piece, seeing as I had to wear my glasses. Upon getting in my car, I realized the prescription for these things must be two or three years old. I'm not quite sure how I made it through all the blurring lights and invisible roads, but I assume it there were leprechauns or gnomes involved. At any rate, the lesson was great as always, though we were missing quite a few people. They have no excuse, seeing as I had a million reasons not to be there but still showed up. So there, you dwarf hating fairies.

Megan and Kelsey want me to go to some rock show that's coming to town. I have no idea who's playing or if they're even the sort of people I'd want to go with to something like that. They seem like really nice girls, but you never know how people will act at concerts, especially non-Christian oriented ones. I'll probably abstain and stay at home studying. Two years ago I would slap myself for saying such things, but I'm sure my mind is a bit clearer now than it was then. I'm supposed to go do something with Sarah this Thursday, and I know she's the kind of person I'd like to have as a friend, so I'll probably do that. I also got to talk to Mary over the webcam. It was a bit awkward at first, but after I got used to it I really enjoyed it. It almost felt like she wasn't hundreds of miles away. She's such a good friend, I'm really blessed to know her.

Speaking of the opposite sex, Jillian finally asked me to go to prom with her, after relying on the back-channels for several months. She's a good friend, and I would feel bad to make her go alone, but I'm really going to be too busy and too broke to go to prom. That's over $100 I'd have to scrounge up, and I just really dont think it would work for me. I suppose I'll have an answer for her by tomorrow, if I can break away from all this work to get to church. I just hate to upset people. I don't think I'm anything to get upset over regardless, but I just dislike turning people down. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing, or if I'm doing them more harm than good. Time will tell I guess. Until then, I'm off to see what else I can learn about the Phalanx. (I'm not sure what more there is to learn about it. Maybe the leprechaun's had something to do with it's creation. We'll see.)

Reinterpretation

2005-03-02T19:18:00.000-06:00

There's controversy surrounding a new, updated version of the NIV Bible. This new translation, called the TNIV, replaces most instances of the word "man" with "human beings". I, personally, don't think it matters that much. I don't think it needed to be changed, but I'm not against the changes. I'm more concerned with the Bible being completely reinterpreted and losing it's original meaning and context. What do you think?

All Dogs Go To Heaven

2005-02-21T17:14:00.000-06:00

He was the best friend you could ever have. You could tell him secrets without ever worrying about them being told. He would always love you unconditionally. He was as tough as a Tiger, as sweet as a puppy. And today, we honor his memory.

Tiger
1997-2005

Disconcerted

2005-02-20T02:02:00.000-06:00

There is something seriously wrong with me. I was exhausted all day today, and when it was finally time for me to get in bed, around 10 or so, I could not fall asleep. Now I am sitting here wide-awake at two in the morning. I took my anti-anxiety medicine, and my sleeping pill, and it looks like they did the exact opposite of what they were supposed to do. Sure, my sleeping schedule hasn't been that great this weekend, but there is no excuse for this. Sleep must be my weakness. If I was going to be tortured by sadists, all they would have to do is warp my ability to sleep, and I would eventually confess to anything they would ask of me. This, with all of these medications having their way with me, may as well be torture. My mind needs time to rest and recover. My thoughts are so unorganized; I am astounded that I can even write half-eligible sentences. At least now, you’ll know that when someone is on medication they are not quite themselves. For right now, I feel like a mental patient.

Monumental Decisions

2005-02-19T01:16:00.000-06:00

Goodnight and Go

2005-02-16T11:12:00.000-06:00

I love college. Everyone I've met is so friendly to me. I feel accepted there, which is nice for a change. I've finally found my own definition for "real" people, although it's probably more of a feeling than a meaning. Nevertheless, I am anxious to get away from almost everything in this town. Old relationships seem to be unravelling; the rediculous amount of slander and gossip is on par with that of junior high students. One could almost laugh it off as such, but unfortunately it just isn't in me to do so. I eagerly await any sort of happenstance that may be ahead of me.

Doubleplus Ungood

2005-02-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

If you havn't figured it out yet, those poems were all from the greatest novel ever written, 1984. I finished the book shortly after I returned from Gatlinburg, and it's honestly the best book I've ever read. With all my enthusiasm about the book, I've somehow restarted the interest in it around here, mainly in Andrew (because we all know he wants to be just like me). So now he's re-reading the book because he said he didn't pay attention to it the first time he read it. Typical.

I've had a really great weekend so far. Blake, Andrew, and I hung out at my house and played Halo 2 on Friday, and Katy joined us today for bowling. I ~~was soundly defeated~~ completely massacred them all, as usual. Afterwards we all went to Blake's house and watched some show with the hosts making fun of kids in a spelling bee.

I found out today that my cousin died of brain cancer this past Friday. We were really close when we were younger, and I havn't seen him in years. My mom is really shaken up, and she's going up to Arkansas to visit the family and attend the funeral tomorrow. I'm still not sure if I'm going or not. I probably wont know until early tomorrow morning. Please pray for my family, and I hope everyone has a good week.

War is Peace

2005-01-31T16:17:00.000-06:00

It was only a hopeless fancy
It passed like an April dye
But a look and a word and the dreams they stirred
They have stolen my heart away

Freedom Is Slavery

2005-01-29T15:39:00.000-06:00

Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me
There lie they, and here lie we
Under the spreading chestnut tree

Ignorance Is Strength

2005-01-24T19:16:00.000-06:00

Oranges and lemons, say the bells of St. Clement's
You owe me three farthings, say the bells of St. Martin's
When will you pay me, say the bells of St. Bailey
When I grow rich, say the bells of Shoreditch

Kuwabara Kuwabara

2005-01-06T18:26:00.000-06:00

I've had a really busy week so far. I got a call from Lifeway saying they'd like to interview me on the 10th, which is also the day I register at Holmes. I've been able to work out nearly every day this week, and I finally got my thyroid results in today. The verdict is - thyroid is normal. I really believe it's because of all the prayers everyone has said for me, because I feel drastically better than I did a few months ago. My dad is leaving for Oklahoma again, and wont be back until I'm home from Gatlinburg. I leave for Gatlinburg on the 15th, and I start college on the 12th. I'm going to be so busy this year.

Now I'm going to finish talking with the 5,000 that have IM'd me. So long.

Russians in Afghanistan

2005-01-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

Christmas didn't feel too "Christmasy" this year. It just kind of came and went. I didn't even ask for anything that would put my parents into a pile of debt. I feel like such an unusual child. College is coming up really soon. I start on the 12th. Maybe I'll get my social life back! Oh what a day that will be. Shortly after I go through the ropes of starting school, I'll be heading to Gatlinburg on the 15th for our church's "Avalanche" trip. I've gone every year I've been in the youth group. This will probably be the last trip I go on with them. I'm sure it'll be a blast with the occasional bittersweet moment.

I've been taking a lot of walks in the park lately. It helps me think more clearly now than it did a year or so ago. Maybe that's a sign that things will be clear and focused in the coming year. That would be nice indeed. I'm more than ready to move on.

I've Been Keeping Company With Ghosts

2004-12-12T14:39:00.000-06:00

My dad got back from Oklahoma last night. He had been there taking care of his mom because she had to have hip surgery. His dad is legally blind so he can't take care of her. Things are going okay right now, but he has to head back up there in January. I think Patrick got in last night too. His email said he was coming back, so I'll assume he is. I need something to do today. Katy wants me to go to the musical. I guess I'll go there if I don't hear from the guys.

Wow

2004-12-05T21:03:00.000-06:00

"Description of Your First Name of: Russell

The following brief summary describes only a few qualities of your first name. There are many additional factors (legal name, nicknames, family surname, combined names, previous names, business signature, and, very importantly, your inner potential or birthpath as determined from your date of birth) that create and mold your entire personality - and your entire life.

Although the name Russell creates executive ambitions, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

The name of Russell has made you rather reserved and, at times, secretive about your personal affairs. As a result, people find it difficult to understand you and you suffer through loneliness. You are interested in understanding life along scientific, religious, and philosophical lines. Also, you derive much enjoyment from reading and from being out in nature. At times, you find it easier to express your thoughts in writing, rather than verbally. You are astute regarding the value of money, have good business judgment, and can drive a hard bargain if such is required. This name has not allowed you to express fully the softer, more spontaneous qualities of your nature because of its practical business attributes.

If you want to find out the secret power your names have had on your life, we recommend you have a detailed Name Report prepared for yourself."

That was strange. Found it here.

And I am worth exactly $2,680,438.00 according to here

Excuses Excuses

2004-12-02T00:05:00.000-06:00

I really don't have a good excuse for not updating this time. I did indeed get World of Warcraft, but I havn't been playing it near as much as I thought I would be. Instead I've been spending most of my time sleeping. If there's nothing wrong with me after they get all these thyroid tests finished there very well should be, because I'm sick of wasting my days being literally attached to my bed.

Last week involved some sort of holiday involving the mass slaughtering of turkeys. It's this type of event I heartily endorse. In fact, I think it should be a monthly thing. I for one would be all for gathering up the neighbors for a witch hunt against these vile creatures and afterwards returning home for one tremendous feast. We wouldn't have to worry about gaining weight because the sheer ferocity in which we destroyed the feather-covered fiends would be enough excercise to slim down Michael Moore.

This week's main event will be me getting a haircut. I don't think I've had one in at least two months, and anyone that spends a few weeks with me knows that I have an unnatural tendency to grow the equivalent of three normal heads of hair in a few hours... or so. Now that I've finished my insane chattering, I'll return to my routine of doing nothing.

The Street With No Name

2004-11-20T00:05:00.000-06:00

And so my world came crashing down around me. Demons and horrific monsters stormed our city, slaughtering anyone in their path. Not one soul was spared, we were all erased. Our very fabric of life destroyed. The World of Warcraft was no more. The open beta was over. Now I am forced to return here, for a few days.

That's right, the full version of WoW comes out this Tuesday. Greg and I have already pre-ordered our copies. We're pretty much set. The test was incredibly fun. I convinced Andrew to download and play and I think he had a blast. Instead of focusing on one class I tried several. I didn't want to get too far in one area or I would get burnt out when I had to do it all again for my permanent character. I even tried being a Dwarf! I never imagined that an MMORPG could hold my attention and constantly surprise me so many times, but this one has done it. I can't wait for Tuesday.

In other news, I got my ACT scores back. I made a 20. I wasn't too happy with it, but it will get me a full scholarship into the community college I want to go to. Considering I didn't study and I havn't really been challenged academically in at least a year, I think I did alright. I was supposed to get some results on my thyroid problem yesterday, but instead all I got was a bandaid after they took more blood. I'm now forced to wait another month. Joy.

I hope you all havn't stopped reading. I'll be around more often now that my life wont revolve around a game... for a few days. Hope everyone's week has been a blessed one.

Not Enough Mana

2004-11-08T20:23:00.000-06:00

Any chance that I would get a life and go out and enjoy it will effectively end tomorrow. As of this very moment, I am downloading the World of Warcraft open beta client. Those of you that have heard of MMORPG's know what kind of fate awaits me. Simple things such as personal hygiene, eating, sleeping, or even breathing become too risky and time consuming to partake in. Instead I will be facing decisions like what race shall I be? Will I be a Paladin or a Hunter? Alliance or Horde? Such decisions will leave no time for other things. I will indeed be living in the World of Warcraft, a place I have visited only once before.

On another note, today was fairly interesting. I believe my thyroid was acting up again, as all of my energy was completely sapped, not that I regained any of it anyway. I had planned on going to the gym, but I didn't have enough strength. Around 2 oclock Erica came over with Katey. They stayed and rummaged through my room for a bit, and then left. The rest of the day was fairly uninteresting, with the notable exceptions of chatting with friends online and setting up e-mail accounts for my parents. I plan on spending the rest of the night cleaning and getting ready for bed while simultaniously watching the download bar. Hope everyone has a great night.

Because I Don't Really Have Anything To Say

2004-11-05T00:40:00.000-06:00

I found a bunch of really great quotes from Dan Rather on election night that reaffirmed my belief that he is descending into insanity. Let me see if I can pull up a few...

--7:43 pm, On polling: "This is more complicated than the wiring diagram for
some hydroelectric dam dynamo, trying to figure out the absentee ballots,
the people who voted in advance and taking in the exit poll data from
today."

1:33 am, On closeness of race in some states: "This race is hot enough to
peel paint off a house."

2:22 am, "Folks, these are the kinds of nights that give campaign managers a
case of the hives or something. One reason so many of them drink a lot,
because you have these situations in which, you know, you think you got it,
you're right there, you're right there, you're close enough to feel it, and
then somebody like one of these overpaid television anchor men come up and
say you know what, that state may not just be going your way."

And my all time favorite:

"If a frog had side pockets he'd carry a handgun."

Pure, unintentional, Comedy gold.

Cigars Aren't As Bad For You

2004-10-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day, aside from my political blurb below. I actually got a great nights sleep night, which is a very rare occasion for me. I woke up at about 7:30 and headed to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast, which was great as always. I went with Greg for lunch at about 4... We waited so long because he was "helping somebody with something"... So yeah. Backyard Burgers was good, it seems like you have to take a chance there now. Some days it will taste home-made, other days it will taste like something they found in the clearance section at Wal-Mart. After that he got a call saying he had to take his sister to the game at MC tonight, so I brought him home. I was thinking about going to the game with him, but he said it was a family thing so I decided not to. I drove home, and about 10 minutes after I get there, Andrew calls asking me if I want to go to the game... I really didn't want to at the time, but he made me. So I picked him up at 6:30, went and picked up some batteries for my camera, and went to McAlister's Deli for a drink. Even after my ~~stalling~~ errands we still decided to go to the game. He was kind and picked up my $5 tab, since I had spent all my cash on batteries and coke... a great mix. The game was a slaughter, with MC winning 50 something to 0. The band was terrific as usual, and the people were friendly. We caught up with Anne, Katy, Blair, and even Greg. We stayed until the game ended, then Andrew and I headed to Fusion, where I proceeded to get a Heath Mocha Frappe (on debit...) and whoop him in 2/3 Uno games. Great times.

I decided to put those expensive batteries to good use and take some random shots at the game. Keep in mind this is a low-quality camera and there were no poses, just random snapshots. Here we go:

(Edit: Trying out some image posting software, see below for pictures)

Photos

2004-10-30T00:06:00.000-05:00

Blair

Greg

Andrew

Katy

Anne

Osama Bin Laden

2004-10-29T17:51:00.000-05:00

I must say that I was surprised when this new video of Osama Bin Laden was released on the air today. Secretly I had assumed he was all but dead. Now it seems quite the opposite. As he stood there looking so confident in himself, I found myself angered. Angered that he wasn't in our custody, and angered because he wasn't dead. Do I blame the Bush administration for this? A little. I think there are so many more things we can do to smoke him out, but we refuse to do these things due to our fear of an international rebuke. Does it change my opinion of President Bush himself? Not really, not at all. Call me arrogant or not looking at the facts or what have you, but I would have to call you on that. I've checked my facts and I still support him. I'm sure I'm in the minority of bloggers, but I'll have to accept that. I stand for what I believe in, and I believe in George W. Bush.

(/end politics... for the day)

Where's Waldo?

2004-10-26T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm really starting to think I have some sort of memory problem. I can remember what I did yesterday, and the day before that, but if you asked me what I did last Wednesday, I couldn't begin to tell you. Maybe that's a sign that I really do need to start writing more. It's really strange that I've been having such a hard time getting myself to sit down and write about my day. I love writing. I want to make a career out of writing. If I can't keep a semi-entertaining blog updated and enjoy doing it, then I don't know how I can realize that dream. Granted I've been doing better than I did on my LiveJournal, it's still not what I want. I havn't been able to express myself through words anywhere near as well as I used to be able to. That may be due to lack of practice, however. Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Today I've pretty much done nothing. That shouldn't be too hard to remember. I accidentally slept in until 1, but I really needed the sleep. I baked a sausage pizza that was so incredibly good I nearly cried when I finished it. I came in here and talked with Mary for a while which was fun. I found out that Greg got Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas a day before it's official release date and he's off playing that now. Speaking of games, there are several new games coming out that I need to buy. Metal Gear Solid 3 is an absolute must buy for me. I loved the first two games. They changed my perspective on the gaming world for the most part. Whether or not that turned out to be a good thing I've yet to determine. This ~~obsession~~ hobby does consume quite a bit of my time and money. Surely it's more than just an entertainment outlet, right? Well, hopefully. So now I'm going to go finish this application to Lifeway. I'm really hoping I get this job. Cross your fingers, folks.

The Strangerhood

2004-10-24T19:18:00.000-05:00

I was going to take the time to make a halfway coherent post, but then I saw what Andrew had done on his Blog, and in the spirit of ~~stealing~~ introducing myself to any new readers, I'm going to fill out this survey...

LAYER ONE: * Name: Russ
* Birthday: August 22, 1986
* Birthplace: Las Vegas, NV
* Current Location: Madison, MS
* Eye Color: Blue/Green
* Hair Color: Sandy/Brown
* Height: 5'10
* Righty or Lefty: Righty
* Zodiac Sign: Leo

LAYER TWO:
* The shoes you wore today: My beautiful Skechers
* Your weakness: Females
* Your fears: Not accomplishing my goals, not pleasing everyone.
*Goal you'd like to achieve: Make it through a four year university.

LAYER THREE:
* Your most overused phrase on AIM: :o
* Your first waking thoughts: hmm? *urr*
* Your best physical feature: Some would say my butt, others would say my hands.
* Your most missed memory: Most missed? I'm not sure I have only one.

LAYER FOUR:
* Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi right now, probably going to go back to Coke soon.
* McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King hands down
* Single or group dates: Single
* Adidas or Nike: Nike I guess?
* Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton!
* Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
*Cappuccino or coffee: Cappucino, Heath Mocha Frappe to be specific

LAYER FIVE:
* Smoke: Only once
* Cuss: Rarely
*Sing: Sure!
* Do you think you've been in love: Yeah... :(
* Want to go to college: Can't wait
* Liked high school: High school was crap
* Want to get married: Yeah, if the right girl comes along. If not, then heck no.
* Believe in yourself: Sometimes. Less than I'd like.
* Get motion sickness: Thankfully, no.
* Think you're attractive: Sometimes
* Think you're a health freak: No, and I'm glad I'm not.
* Get along with your parent (s): For the most part.
* Like thunderstorms: Only the ones where I don't have to fear for my life.

LAYER SIX:
In the past month:
* Drank alcohol: Nay, old chap!
* Smoked: Nuh-uh, because a simple "No" wont do!
* Done a drug: Life is a drug, silly.
* Made Out: Nopes
* Gone on a date: Nopers
* Gone to the mall?: I avoid that place like it harbors the plague.
* Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: I don't really like Oreos that much.
* Eaten sushi: No, we've kind of been avoiding each other.
* Been on stage: Yeah
* Been dumped: In the past month? No.
* Gone skateboarding: No, but I tried this skatebording mini-game on MGS2. It sucked.
* Made homemade cookies: No, but I've been craving them.
* Gone skinny dipping: Haha...hahaha.... what, you think I'd get in water? I can't swim :(
* Dyed your hair: Not lately, no.
* Stolen anything: I stole everyone's cheek bones. What? It's not like you need them.

LAYER SEVEN
Ever:
* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Not intentionally, and not with drugs or alcohol.
* Been called a tease: Several times
* Gotten beaten up: Strangely, no.
* Shoplifted: Unfortunately, no :(

LAYER EIGHT:
* Age you hope to be married: 25-30
* Numbers and Names of Children: 2, I have no idea.
* Describe your Dream Wedding: One that pleases my wife.
* How do you want to die: A heroic death would be nice. If not, then a peaceful one.
* Where you want to go to college: Either Southern MS, or somewhere in NC.
* What do you want to be when you grow up: Journalist or Nurse or something medical.
* What country would you most like to visit: Australia

LAYER NINE:
* Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
* Number of people I could trust with my life: Too many
* Number of CDs that I own: 40-50
* Number of piercings: 0
* Number of tattoos: 0
* Number of times name has appeared in the newspaper: 2
* Number of scars on my body: 5
* Number of things in my past that I regret: Several

LAYER TEN:What's your favorite:
* Person: *cheap answer* Jesus :P
* Song: Frou Frou - Must Be Dreaming
* Color: Red
* Place: North Carolina. Favorite local place is my room. :S
* Thing(s) to do: Try not to be bored. Although the "trying" part isn't that fun.

LAYER ELEVEN:
* Describe your perfect life partner: A girl that knows me for who I am, accepts me, loves me as I love her, is flexible (not physically, though I'm not scratching that one off), and is just as ready to marry me as I am her. Yeah, that sounds nice.

And thus I am done explaining myself. There's more I could do, but this post is far too long as it is. In fact, I should just delete it. Unless you actually read it. Then it would be worthwhile.

Euphoria, Can't Take Any More Of Ya

2004-10-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

I had a really great day today. I woke up fairly early by my standards, got dressed, and did some random chores and busywork. Shelley and the baby came over around 12:30, and we met my mom at Moe's for lunch. I really like that place, but my mom hates it. I think I had to suggest it about 5 times to get her to cave in. I enjoyed the food, as always, and my mom made the point that even Ashleigh (the baby) didn't like the food, which doesn't really make much sense. How many babies do you know that like steak meat or tomatoes?

After lunch I went and got my hair cut by Brandi. We had an interesting conversation that was partially about her new stalker at The Courthouse. Apparantly he approached her outside the gym around 8pm and said he was waiting on her and wanted to meet her because he saw her working out... I don't know about you, but that's not the first impression you want to make when you're interested in meeting someone. She was pretty freaked out about that, and now I am too. I pray all my female friends are really careful when they're out around the rougher parts of town now. It's been getting pretty crazy around here.

After the hair cut I drove on over to Andrew's house and abducted him. We went to go pick his phone up from his really crappy phone company... place. Yeah, the people there were complete jerks, at least to his mom over the phone. I don't see how people like that can keep their businesses running. After our little escapades through Best Buy and Chick-Fil-A (the most happening places in all of Jackson...) we headed up to Church. Ronnie from the now disbanded 9th Hour came to lead worship, and he did an amazing job. Joey gave a rather short, but well recieved message that I really enjoyed. So overall it was a pretty good service. I think this is the 4th Church service in a row that I've actually attended. People are shocked, mothers are hiding their children. And now, I'm off to go find something to occupy my mind before I decide to completely pass out.

Livejournal Woes

2004-10-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

I've been using Livejournal for several years now. I've never really had any complaints save for the lack of customization options and the ocassional server crash. That was fine then, because it was relatively new. The problems continued to persist, however, and have constantly troubled users, as recently as today. So today I realized it was time to get over not having a updating program off of my computer. I realized I don't have to put up with crappy service just because it's free. I followed in the steps of my long time mentor, Richie, and got myself a Blog. This is my first post, and I hope I'm able to contribute much more in the days to come.